Divided Heart
by Kizmet
Summary: A New Beginning: Part 6. Angel learns that Buffy's alive more than two years after The Gift and has to make a choice between being with her and continuing his current relationship with Fred.
1. Belated News

Belated News

Belated News

** **

Angel walked into the Hyperion.Fred was nestled happily under his arm, head cocked to one side, staring up at him adoringly.

"Spike is waiting in your office," Wesley said to Angel.

"Thanks Wes," Angel said.He kissed Fred softly on the forehead."I'll see you later, beloved."

Angel found Spike slumped dejectedly on the couch in his office."Will, what's happened?" Angel asked gently.

Spike slowly looked up to meet Angel's eyes."Buffy's alive," he said."She misses you."

Angel collapsed onto the couch beside his grand-childe like a puppet whose strings had been cut."Buffy… how… I tried, but I couldn't...Is she okay?Is she right?Please tell me she's right.I couldn't bare it if she weren't Buffy."

Spike licked his lips nervously."You need to ask when.She's Buffy and you did bring her back.The PTB brought her back because you passed their trials."  
  


"They said they couldn't," Angel replied frowning.

"It was a test," Spike said."And a lie.They wanted to see if you'd keep being their warrior without her to bind you.Ask me when they brought her back."

"Is she okay?How is everyone in Sunnydale coping?Has Giles been notified?"

"Everyone's okay.Angel ask me when."

"Buffy missed me?Oh God, Fred.Does Buffy know about Fred?I swear I wouldn't have let myself fall in love with anyone else if I'd known Buffy was coming back… But I didn't know… I do love Fred… Is Buffy going to be mad at me?"

"She's not mad, she understands," Spike sighed."Angel, Buffy's been alive for sixteen months."

Angel's mouth opened, he blinked a couple times and then fell into stillness.

"Angel?" Spike asked with concern, after several minutes."Say something."

"Months?" Angel asked.

Spike nodded.

"And you just now got around to telling me?"

"You were doing okay, Buffy didn't want to rock the boat," Spike explained.

"Buffy was alive and no one bothered to tell me?" Angel demanded.

"It wasn't like that," Spike argued."She saw you and Fred, she didn't want to mess that up."

"So she has you tell me now?" Angel asked angrily."Better than a year later, once Fred and I have that much more of a relationship?"

"Buffy doesn't know I'm here," Spike replied."But she never got over you.You're still the one she wants, even after all this time.I just thought you should know that."

Spike turned and walked out of the office, leaving an utterly stunned Angel behind him.

Fifteen minutes later Angel ran to the Hyperion's garage and took off, driving toward the freeway at speeds well in excess of the posted limit.


	2. Calls

Calls

Calls

** **

"Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless," Wesley said.

"Wes… could you come get me?"Angel asked."And bring clothes."

"Angel?" Wesley sounded uncertain."Where are you?"

"Hospital, north side of LA," Angel replied."I think the doctors and I would both be happier if I weren't here."

"Why are you in a hospital?" Wesley asked.

"There's a reason why U-turns are illegal," Angel replied."They're a bad idea, especially if the on coming traffic consists of a semi."

"Oh good lord.Angel are you hurt?" Wesley asked.

"They put a cast on my arm and my leg," Angel answered in outrage."I'm a vampire, I don't need casts, stupid doctors wouldn't listen to me…They shocked me too.Just because a person doesn't have a pulse is no reason to go around shocking them!"

"Angel, did you, by any change sustain a head wound?" Wesley asked."Or has anyone given you medication?"

Wesley could hear a shrug in Angel's soft exhalation of air."I can't remember.Saw the truck.Bam! The next thing I know some guy's putting electricity in me!They wouldn't let me leave and they got all mad when I tried to take their junk off.The doctors said they would have given me some other type of cast, one that I could have taken off, except I was being an uncooperative patient.I am not uncooperative; they just don't listen to me.Like you actually.It's all yak, yak, yak your heart isn't beating, yak, yak, yak you aren't breathing.It's not like I don't have a perfectly good reason for that."

"You didn't tell anyone you were a vampire did you?" Wesley asked.

"No, but it's still a perfectly good reason and I told them there was a reason."

"The police said if I didn't die they were going to take away my drivers license."Angel announced jumping topics."Except I've been dead a very long time now and I don't even have a drivers license, so there.They said they couldn't imagine what I was thinking when I tried turning around.I think they're very right about that."

"See I can't just abandon Fred," Angel continued."I love her, plus the vision, but mostly because I love her.We've been living together as a couple for months; we made a home together.But it's not everyday that a person's girlfriend, the love of his life really, comes back from the dead.I'm sure none of theirs have done that."

"This has something to do with Darla again?" Wesley said in disgust.

"Oh yeah, she came back from the dead too, I forgot about her," Angel said."But you know what?Darla, who is evil and who I don't even like… well maybe while she was human, but I never liked her as a vampire, not even when we were screwing each other… Anyway, she told me she was back from the dead after only five months.It's been sixteen months and Buffy still hasn't told me.Will had to do it for her."

"Angel, Buffy is gone, she isn't coming back," Wesley said, concern replacing the irritation in his voice."Whatever Spike told you, he was lying, playing with you."

"You wouldn't think that if Xander had told me," Angel declared sulkily."You have double standards.I don't wanna talk to you anymore."

Wesley's head thudded against his desk as the disconnected line hummed in his ear.

With a sigh he dialed Willow's number.

"Hey LA," Willow answered sounding nervous.

"Caller ID, I'll never get used to it," Wesley said."Willow, this is truly awkward for me, but Spike told Angel…"

"Buffy's alive," Willow replied without waiting for Wesley to ask."I take it Angel's on his way?"

"He was delayed," Wesley said with a heavy sigh."An auto wreck."

"He's not hurt is he?" Willow asked with concern.

"I'm certain he'll be right as rain in no time," Wesley replied."You know how resilient he is.However, he apparently passed out and someone attempted to have attempted to resuscitate him using a defibulator, it left him a touch off.Still I'm sure after a good night's rest he'll be fine.There may also be some complications with the hospital staff, not to mention the police."

"Well as long as he's okay," Willow said."We just won't tell Buffy about Will spilling the beans until Angel's feeling better."

In the background Wesley heard Spike shouting, "Buffy, Angel's coming.I told you, you should have told him right away!"

"Shoot me now… Please?" Willow said.


	3. If You Love

If You Love

If You Love

** **

"I can't believe you told him!" Buffy shouted."You promised you wouldn't!He was happy, that was what I wanted."

"And I want you to be happy," Spike replied."You never got over him, never moved on, so Angel can just be happy with you.He will be, trust me."

"When do I have time for a relationship?" Buffy snapped."I'm the Slayer, which is a job and half and even with Giles' best efforts the council doesn't pay me enough to put Dawn through college.Which means I've got to work.Plus, I'm Dawn's guardian, that takes a lot of time."

"Stop using Dawn as an excuse because you're too afraid to have a life!" Spike yelled back."It hurts her when you do that and it's a lie.The council pays you more than enough for everything, you just work that stupid cashier job because it fills up your spare time."

"What would you know about it Spike?" Buffy snapped."Look at my mom!Two dates in all the years after the divorce; one of those with a homicidal robot; then she finally finds a nice guy and guess what happens?She dies.So you just screwed up whatever happiness Angel had for nothing."

"If you don't have time or interest in a relationship what was that night with me?" Spike demanded."Cause it sure sounded like you looking for the closest substitute for Angel without actually having to risk anything."

"Do you want to know what that night was Spike?"Buffy asked coldly."It was a mistake.That's it; that's all.I just wanted a body; you were convenient.Don't make anything more of it.You certainly don't remind me of Angel."

"You're a bloody liar Slayer," Spike said before storming into the basement.

"Would it be so bad if Angel came back?" Willow asked.

"Didn't you listen to anything I just said?" Buffy demanded.

"I also listened to Will, and he had a point," Willow replied.

"He does not," Buffy snapped."He's utterly pointless."

"You're not even a little bit happy that Angel came running as soon as he heard?" Willow asked."Well until the wreck anyway."

"No, I'm not." Buffy said."He's going to come here, make his girlfriend mad, and then I'm just going to have to send him home.It's going to be his version of Riley and I.I don't want to put either Angel or Fred through that.Can't anyone understand that?"


	4. Let it Go

Let it Go

Let it Go

** **

Fred rolled over in her sleep with a soft cry.Her hand groped across the bed.Her slumber became more restless until she bolted upright with a gasp.

Fully awake now, Fred stared sadly at the empty half of the bed.Wrapping a robe around herself, Fred wandered down the hall to the living room area she and Angel had set up in the next room over.

Biting her lower lip, Fred sank into a chair across from the couch where Angel was sleeping, the cast from the wreck still on his arm.His leg had only been fractured and had healed in just a few hours but his arm had been shattered when he reflexively threw it up to shield himself from the on-coming truck.The injury was one that taxed even vampiric healing.

Angel stirred under the weight of Fred's gaze.He blinked, and then opened his eyes."I must have fallen asleep while I was reading again," he said apologetically.

Fred got up and walked across the room to straighten a picture on the wall.With her back to Angel she said."I don't like being lied to."

Angel silently fussed with his cast for a few moments and Fred added."Not even lies of omission."

"What do you want to know?" Angel sighed.

"Why are you here?"Fred asked.

"Because I love you," Angel replied.

"But you're sleeping on the couch because you loved her first," Fred said softly, moving on to the bookshelf.

For a long time the silence in the room was broken only by the faint sounds of Fred rearranging the books.

"Yeah," Angel admitted finally.

Silence descended again.

Fred sat down across from Angel."You're here except you aren't and you aren't there either.Where are you Angel?"

"Lost," Angel sighed."It was never supposed to be like this, what I felt, what I feel for Buffy was never supposed to come in conflict with what I feel for you.I can't love two people at once, not like this, not without hurting everyone involved.I don't want to hurt you Fred, or Buffy either."

"It's going to hurt, but keepin' us all in limbo, in nothingness; it makes it worse.You said you're lost, then I think you should go find yourself," Fred said her eyes shining wetly.

"Fred…"

"Go."


	5. Cool Reception

Cool Reception

Cool Reception

** **

Angel paused on the sidewalk in front of Redello Drive, he glanced at the tree beneath Buffy's window with a faint smile.Then he shook his head ruefully and walked up to the front door and knocked.

"Coming!" Willow yelled."Angel, thank the goddess.Dawn and Will are both missing, Buffy's going nuts…"

"What do you need me to do?"Angel asked.

They both turned to see Xander running up the street."Deamora… has house… north edge… Restfield," he panted.

"Get in the car, I'm driving," Angel said including both of them in his glance.

"Tara!" Willow called hurrying down the walk.

"Nice car, the color really suits you," Xander said climbing in the back of the pale pink convertible.

"I'm getting it painted," Angel growled reving the engine.

A moment later Tara spilled out of the door and slamming it behind her raced out to the care and jumped in.

As Angel drove Tara gave him a concerned look."You need your arm fixed," she said."Before you fight."

"His arm?"Willow stammered."How'd I miss that?"Leaning over the seat she put her hand on Angel's shoulder and muttered a few words.

Angel shivered at the magic coursing through him.Willow moved her hand down to the cast, whispered another phrase and it peeled away leaving his arm whole beneath it.

"Buffy'll probably beat us there," Xadner said."She killed two of his minions before she got the hang of torturing them.The third one spilled the beans.Buffy wouldn't wait for a calvary collection."

Angel nodded and pushed harder on the accelorator.

"That's the place," Xander said pointing to a house half-way down the street with the front door wide open, swinging crookedly on one hinge.

Angel pulled the car to a screeching hault and raced through the door, the other three just a few steps behind him.

Deamora stood at the far end of the dinning area, laughing.Four of his minions struggled to keep Buffy pinned to the opposite wall as a fifth advanced on her with a knife.

Angel grabbed the knife wielding minions and spun him away from Buffy.She twisted and kicked free of her surprised captures.

"Just like old times," Angel said as they fell into sync with each other.

"Xander find Dawn and Will," Buffy yelled.

"On it," he replied.

Willow and Tara used their magic to clear a path for Xander through Deamora's minions then turned to help Buffy and Angel; not that they needed it.Together, the souled vampire and the slayer were cutting a swath through the various creatures allied with the demon lord.

Seeing the tide of the battle turning against him, Deamora began to dematierialize.

"On no you don't!" Willow cried, stretching out her hand toward the demon lord.A cloud of red sparkles surrounded Deamora and he regained solidity.

"Thanks Wills," Buffy called as Angel offered her his cupped hands.He catapulted her over Deamora's final line of defense, giving Buffy the chance to confront Deamora before the demon overcame Willow's spell.

Standing confidently before Deamora Buffy stretched up her hand.Tara made a quick gesture and one of Buffy's swords materialized in the slayer's hand.

Hissing angrily Deamora lifted his own weapon, a long halbarer.

Angel continued working his way through the remaining minions.

Xander and Dawn appeared in the doorway then hurried to join Willow and Tara.

Buffy summersaulted over Deamora's head then stabbed her sword back, under her arm, impaling the Demon Lord before he could turn to defend himself.

"Dawn!" Buffy exclaimed running to embrace her younger sister."You're safe, you're safe.I didn't loose you."

Across the room Angel began walking hesitantly toward the sisters.As the adrenline faded he looked increasingly bewildered.

Buffy noticed Angel and gave him a quick distracted smile."All these years and we're still an unstoppable team," she said."Thanks for coming.Xander did you find Will?"

"He wasn't with me when I was taken," Dawn said.

"Then where the hell is he?" Buffy demanded, worry warring with anger in her voice.

"Did you check his crypt?" Dawn asked irritably."He moved back there after you screamed at him."

"What?"Buffy exclaimed.

"Buffy?" Angel said, uncertainly he reached out to touch her but stopped without completing the gesture.

For the first time Buffy really looked at her first love."I'm here Angel," she told him catching his hand between hers."I'm real."

Angel sighed as the tension drained out of his body and his face lit up with a warm smile."You didn't vanish," he said wonderingly."You really are here."


	6. Looking Back

Looking Back

Looking Back

** **

"Wes, hi," Angel said.

"Angel… How is everything in Sunnydale?" Wesley asked.

"Good… Buffy killed a major demon the night I got into town.Life as usual on the Hellmouth… How are things in LA?" Angel asked.

"We're doing quite well.Fred had a vision about a Feyral demon on the rampage, it was nothing to tax Gunn and I's abilities though.I paid Cordelia a visit to let her know the good news about Buffy," Wesley replied.

"How are things in Pylea?" Angel asked.

"Cordelia appeared quite content with their progress.They managed to kill off one of the more radical Priests in battle.I must say that her look is changing from Princess Leia to Xena, Warrior Princess."

"She isn't fighting is she?" Angel asked with concern.

"She trains in weapons with both the Grooselog and Landoc," Wesley sighed."She swears there's no way they'd let her get in over her head."

"Cordy isn't a fight," Angel protested."…Well she is, but not that kind of a fighter.She isn't a warrior.She doesn't belong on a battlefield, she might get hurt."

"She's a grown woman, I'd liked to have seen you stop her," Wesley replied defensively.

Angel sighed and the line went silent for a time.

"If that's all…" Wesley asked.

"Wait," Angel said then paused."How's Fred doing?" he asked quietly.

"As well as can be expected," Wesley replied then hung up.

Angel disconnected then dialed a second LA number."Lorne, it's Angel," he said.

"Angel-cakes, how is the small town air agreeing with you?" Lorne asked jovially.

"Could you stop by the hotel and check on Fred?" Angel asked."She's never been that close to Wesley or Gunn and…"

"Your one true love's company isn't chasing all thoughts of Fred out of your mind?" Lorne asked.

"I will never quit caring about Fred, no matter what.What I feel for her has nothing to do with what I feel for Buffy," Angel said icily, then his composure shattered and he added uncertainly."Besides I don't thing either Buffy or I believe in soulmates anymore."

"My listening ears are on, Angel-kins," Lorne encouraged.

"Sometimes when we look at each other it's like we never were apart, like it's still '96," Angel sighed."But most of the time all I see is how much we've grown apart."

"You fell in love with the girl, now she's all grown up," Lorne suggested.

"She grew hard," Angel said."There's a wall between us and I can't get through it, can't see a way around it, and she won't reach back. I'm here, not that it matters to her."

"So why do you stay?" Lorne asked neutrally. 

"William told me that she missed me," Angel replied."Maybe he's taken up drugs because I don't see it.Buffy barely talks to me… I shouldn't have come.I'm hurting Fred, Buffy doesn't want me here, I've hurt her so much in the past I can't blame her… What is it about me that makes me hurt everyone I love?My parents, my sister, my friends, Buffy, Fred, no matter how hard I try all I've done is bring them misery and disappointment."

"You know that's not…" Lorne began only to be cut off when Angel disconnected the line.


	7. Past Times

Past Times

Past Times

** **

Dawn poked her head into Buffy's room, rolled her eyes then stepped inside and slouched nonchalantly against the doorframe."Will was right about you," she said.

Buffy looked up from the box of keepsakes she'd been going through.

"You're scare of living," Dawn continued.

"You don't have any right to say that to me," Buffy snapped setting aside the box and standing to glare at her sister.

"Why not, it's true," Dawn replied."If you're so brave then why are you up here sighing over the stuff Angel gave you in high school instead of at the mansion talking him out of packing."

"What?" Buffy exclaimed.

"Angel is leaving," Dawn said, speaking very slowly as if to someone mentally challenged.

"Now?Already?Why?" Buffy stammered.

Dawn sighed in disgust."You're right, it's only been a week and you haven't even invited him inside the house.He won't let any of the rest of us ask him in.when he tries to patrol with you, you bawl him out for distracting you and for acting like you can't take care of yourself.When he stops by the house you're always in the shower.If I were him I'd worry you were turning into one of those fish-guys from the swim team."

"It hasn't been that long," Buffy protested.

"How would you know?" Dawn demanded."You sit up here all day staring at that ring.It's not even the ring Angel gave you, you lost that one."

"I didn't loose it!" Buffy shouted. angrily."And how do you know what I keep in my box, it's private!"

"So's your diary, but when has that ever stopped me?" Dawn asked."What are you going to do?Put on the ring, the cross, get the jacket out of the back of the closet and pretend you're sixteen again and it's all simple or are you going to go talk to Angel?"  
  


"Why don't you mind your own business Dawn?" Buffy growled.

"'Cause I'm sick of the poor-me routine.Will practically tore his heart out of his chest to give you this chance and you're throwing it away like so much garbage.I used to hate Angel for the way he hurt you, but now I think I'm starting to understand.It's not that he hurt you so badly that you never recovered, that's just an excuse you use so you never have to risk your heart again because you're a coward."

Buffy started to protest but Dawn simply rose her voice and continued."You haven't been the same since he became Angelus.You've tried to keep every guy at arms length since that night, even Angel."

"That's a lie!I still loved Angel, even after what happened," Buffy exclaimed.

"'Angel and I are just friends.' 'I couldn't be around Angel anymore.' 'I needed some time away from Angel.'Sound familiar?Everyone always assumed Angel issues are why you kept Scott, Riley and Will lock out, but Angel's here and there isn't any clause.So why don't you just deal with those issues, one way or another, instead of hiding in your room?"


	8. Not Enough

Not Enough

**Not Enough**

"Will, can I come in?" Buffy yelled after spending several futile minutes knocking on the door of Spike's crypt."Come on William, at least tell me to bug off so I know you're okay."

Buffy waited.Crickets chirped.A car horn honked.

With a worried expression on her face Buffy kicked open the crypt door.The area was barren of life, even the undead version of it.

"Will?" Buffy called, poling her head through the trap door into the cavern beneath the crypt."I came to apologize."

Buffy spent several minutes searching the gloomily lit lair before dispiritedly climbing the ladder back to the ground floor.

"Will?" She called one last time, honing her senses for a vampiric presence.

With a sigh Buffy walked over to the stone sarcophagus."Will, I'm sorry about what I said.I didn't mean it.You told me the truth about myself and I didn't want to hear it, so I lashed out at you.It was wrong of me and petty and moronic and I'm deeply sorry so will you forgive me?"

Silence answered Buffy.

"At least move back to the house," she continued after a long moment."Dawn and Willow and Tara miss you too and they didn't screw up."

More silence.

"Just get out of the coffin and tell me off… Please?" Buffy begged.

Slowly the stone lid began to shift and Buffy hurried to help move it aside.Spike climbed out of the coffin then paused to rearrange its owner's bones.

"You've got a right, shrewish streak to you Slayer," Spike said softly."So you and Angel are together again?Well I wish you luck.If he's moving back up here I suppose I could take over his duties in Los Angeles.No hard feelings mind you, just don't want ta see you all lovey-dovey with him."

"Angel and I haven't talked yet," Buffy said.

"What!" Spike yelled."I move heaven and earth… well one of the two most stubborn people on face of the planet anyway, to give you what you want and you don't even take it?What the bloody hell is wrong with you?"

Buffy looked away, embarrassed."This is really stupid, I know that," she said."I remember the months before the curse broke as being the most perfect of my life, even allowing for vampires, robots and class project trying to kill me.I don't know; it was like a dam broke after I kissed Angel at the ice-rink.He was in vamp face; he didn't even want me to touch him.I didn't care about that… I kissed him.I don't know why it meant so much when I did that, but it did.Angel stopped trying to tell me that I didn't know what I wanted.He stopped fighting against us being together.We couldn't get enough of each other after that.I never imagined that anything could come between us.One night I remember telling Angel that when I looked into the future all I could see was him.That was all I needed to see, 'cause if he were with me, everything would work out.I used to believe that down to my bones and now…" Buffy sighed.

"You grew up.You were naïve then," Spike said."Now you know better, you know that just loving someone isn't a guarantee that everything's gonna be roses.So what, it's something everyone learns, even if they aren't dating a vampire."

"No, it's not that.Not exactly, not really," Buffy said.

"You're afraid if you get back together with Angel it won't be the same, won't be as good."

"Yeah, that's it, stupid huh?"Buffy said."But I have this perfect moment in time.My most treasured memory.I'm afraid of loosing it.Angel and I are so different now.I know this is kinda weird considering I'm talking about a guy who once earned the title the Scourge of Europe, but Angel and I were so innocent back then.It was first love for both of us.We thought we'd faced the big hurtle and it would all be smooth sailing, sure I'm the Slayer and he's a vampire, but first and foremost we were Buffy and Angel and we loved each other.I thought, we both thought, that there couldn't be any problems to equal that one and then the curse broke.Now I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I know no matter how bad things were the next problem will probably be worse."

"You're right, that is stupid," Spike said bluntly."You might as well of stayed dead if you're going to live the rest of your life being afraid to take a chance because of what might happened."

"Yeah, I think I finally realized that; too late as usual," Buffy sighed."Angel already left."

"So what, go to LA," Spike replied.He'll come back for you."

"I know, but Angel will come back for the memory of the girl who was, and I'd be going to find the man I remember from before," Buffy said."And maybe that's not a good enough reason.We need a relationship based on the people we became, not the ones we were.That's what Angel has, with Fred.What I could have had… maybe with Riley, maybe with you, maybe with one of the dozen guys who have tried to flirt with me over the last few years… If I'd bother to give anyone a chance."


	9. If it Returns

If it Returns

If it Returns

** **

"Vision," Fred announced coming downstairs."We'll need Angel."

"Ah…yes…I'll call him," Wesley offered.

"Right, you don't have to see him if you don't want to.We'll run interference," Gunn added.

Fred frowned at them, "Grow up, this isn't High School.I told Angel to go.He had to.He had to decide and he was never going to be able to do that without seeing her."

"Fred, I don't think you realize what Buffy once meant to Angel," Wesley warned her."He thought she was the sun.There is very little chance he'll come back to you."

"I know," Fred said quietly."Doesn't change that I had to let him go.Now I'm going to call him and tell him about the vision.He'll come deal with it and either way, I'll know how he decided."

"If that's what you want," Wesley said."We'll give you some privacy."

Fred shook her head as the two men left.She dialed Angel's cell phone.There was no answer.With a sigh she looked up a number on Angel's phone list.

"Hi, this is Buffy."

"Oh… um hi… I … I had a vision… I need to talk with Angel… I'm sorry," Fred stammered.

"Isn't he in LA?" Buffy asked.

"Of course he isn't in LA," Fred replied starting to sound upset."I'd hardly be calling Sunnydale if Angel were in LA now would I?"

"Fred… you are Fred aren't you?" Buffy said awkwardly."I don't know what to tell you.Angel left Sunnydale two days ago.We all assumed he went back to LA."

"This is bad, this very bad," Fred said. "Why weren't you watching out for him?"  
  


"Angel doesn't need anyone to watch out for him," Buffy protested."He can take care of himself."

"Oh no, Angel is very good at taking care of everybody except himself," Fred said."You were supposed to do that."

"Look Fred, I'll come take care of the vision.Everyone else should start looking for Angel." Buffy said.

"Good idea… No, this one is bad, Gunn and Wesley should back you up," Fred sighed."Unless you'd rather bring your own team?"  
  


"I'll bring help, you're the ones who know Angel, you'd probably have better luck finding him," Buffy decided."Let's hear about this vision, then you three can start looking for Angel."


	10. Incomparable

Incomparable

Incomparable

** **

"I'll never drink a whole big gulp while driving again," Willow muttered to herself as she slammed the car door and sprinted for the bathrooms.

Willow reappeared later and walked toward her car at a more sedate pace.That pace slowed to a disbelieving halt as she recognized the car parked beside hers.Xander had been absolutely merciless in ribbing Angel about his yet-to-be-painted replacement vehicle.

Slowly she turned to peer into the shadows cast by the of-historic-interest booth.A slightly darker shadow shifted unhappily under her gaze.

With a relieved sigh Willow walked over and sat beside Angel."So, you've been here for the last three days?" Willow asked casually."We tried calling you, Fred had a vision."

"I had the cell phone, I'm in range, I checked," Angel protested, pulling it out of his pocket.

Willow took it, "Um-huh… just what I thought.How long has it been since you charged it?"

"Oh… sorry, I must have forgotten."

"Would I be too out of line if I asked why you've spent three days at a rest stop halfway between Sunnydale and LA?"Willow asked.

"I can't go back to Fred just because Buffy doesn't want me," Angel said."It isn't fair to Fred."

"Would it help if I said Buffy's ready to talk to you now?" Willow asked.

"Not really, I've still got to decide between them.I've still got to hurt someone." Angel said."Maybe Buffy and Fred would both be better off if I just disappeared.All I ever do is hurt them."

"Angel, you know that isn't true!" Willow reprimanded him sharply.Then her voice softened."It's hard, I know.I've been there.You have to decide who you love.It'll hurt, but they'll understand.You didn't cause this situation."

"I'm sure that's great advice," Angel said."But it doesn't help.I wasn't supposed to have to choose between them.This was never supposed to happen.Why didn't Buffy tell me?Sixteen months ago it wouldn't have been an issue!Sixteen months ago what was between Fred and I couldn't have resolved into friendship.Why did she wait so long?"

Willow waited patiently.

"I never quit loving Buffy," Angel said."But I let her become a part of the past so I could go on living.Once Buffy was my life, everything I did or thought revolved around her.But it didn't work, it wasn't enough."

"I loved Buffy from the first moment I saw her.I fell in love for the first time in my life that day.She was literally everything to me: Sunlight, life, everything.That she would love me back was a gift I never expected, certainly never anything I could believe I deserved.I thought her love redeemed me; instead it could have drug her down with me.Because she loved me Buffy got caught up in my punishment.I never meant for that to happen.After I came back I started seeing things more clearly, I started seeing how my darkness infected her light."

"After I realized what I was doing to Buffy I left.I was never going to get involved again.I didn't want anyone else to get hurt.Why would I even want to?They'd never be Buffy."

"I never planned to fall in love with Fred, it just happened.After Buffy died Fred was the only one I could connect with.The others, they tried too hard to help.They had a hundred different ideas as to what I should do to feel better.Fred was the one who let me hurt.The one who just spent time with me, without trying to force me to get over what had happened… and she needed me too.It was easier for me to cope with things for her sake then for my own.I could tell myself I was holding her to confront her dreams, and not because having her near me kept my dreams away."

Angel laughed softly, "Cordy, Wes and Gunn did everything short of physically dragging me out of my room after I decided to spend the remainder of my life staring at the wall once I realized Buffy wasn't coming back.Nothing worked then Fred asked me to go on a walk with her, not because it would be good for me to get out, but because she was scared to go out in LA on her own.I barely thought twice about going… And it was the best thing I possibly could have done for my own sanity.I think she knew that."

"I'm still not sure how she did it, but Fred taught me to lean on her when I was hurt.She was the first person I ever let help me like that," Angel smiled sadly."Even counting Buffy, as much as we loved each other, I couldn't stand the though that I could be adding to her burdens.I was there to help her, not the other way around.I didn't always have to be strong with Fred, I didn't always have to be human, or anything but Angel really.Fred and I were happy together."

"Willow, my relationship with Fred isn't like the one I had with Buffy, not better or worse, just different.It wasn't love at first sight or an attraction so strong that I couldn't stay away even when I could see disaster looming on all sides.I thought it had to be like it was between Buffy and I to be real.I guess that's why I didn't see it coming in time to panic and push her away."

"You know, I've been thinking a lot about the curse and why I didn't try to get it changed before Buffy died.And you know what I've realized?Buffy and I bought into all that Romeo and Juliet, star-crossed lovers crap.I believed we were doomed, especially after the curse was broken, so I never fought it.I saw cutting Buffy loose as the only thing I could do for her.I didn't fight for her, I didn't believe in myself enough to do that.All I could see was me dragging her down with me into the darkness that had consumed my life."

"Fred and I didn't have that shadow hanging over us and she didn't believe in doomed, she believed in me.Fred believed I could control the demon, so she wasn't afraid of it and she didn't hate it.I learned to control it because I was afraid of hurting her.Buffy could protect herself from the demon, Fred couldn't.Once I had control in Pylea I knew I had to get control of it here too.It took me two hundred seventy odd years to take control of my life, but once I had it there was no way I could give it up."

"Buffy, Fred, how can I say which one I love more?After I realized I was falling for Fred my first rule was never let myself compare them, never even think it.I don't know which one I'm suppose to be with.Whistler showed me Buffy, protecting her was supposed to be my destiny.Fred is my Seer, my connection to the Powers and that's destiny too, so it can't be the deciding factor."

"You have to choose though," Willow said."And you don't really know what things what it would be like with Buffy now that the curse isn't an issue."

"I know," Angel sighed, "But I'm trying to chose between the woman who could make me forget I'm a vampire and the one who made me remember that I'm a person.


	11. Yours to Keep

Yours to Keep

Yours to Keep

** **

Spike watched from the shadows as Buffy and Angel stood facing each other awkwardly beneath her porch light.

Then Buffy stepped forward and embraced Angel, for a moment they held each other tightly.Then they stepped apart.Angel touched Buffy's chin, tilting her face up that their eyes met.

"Buffy, I just want to be sure you know how precious our past is to me," he said softly.

"I know," Buffy replied."I feel the same, but we need to live in the present don't we?"

Angel nodded."If you ever need help…"

"I'll call.You'll do the same right?" Buffy asked.

"Always," Angel stepped back, down the steps."Goodbye Buffy."

"Goodbye."

Spike waited until Angel's car disappeared around the corner then stepped out of the shadows.I'm sorry Buffy," he said.I really thought he'd stay."

"Don't be, it was mutual," Buffy said."You gave me the chance to say goodbye.We never did that before, maybe it was time."

Angel knocked on the door then waited until Fred opened it.She stared up at him hope blossoming in her eyes.

"I'm ready to come home now," Angel said hesitantly."If you'll have me."

"You came back," Fred squealed happily wrapping her arms around Angel's neck and burying her face against his neck.

Angel sighed with relief."I came home," he said."To you."


End file.
